Guest Speaker Follow-up

The group was so blessed by our guest speakers a few weeks ago.
We laughed, we cried. They laughed, they cried.
They offered insight & wisdom & hope - but especially promise.
Promise that our children will not be ruined by their circumstances.
Promise that everyone will emerge on the other side of divorce stable and whole. Promise that we ALL struggle yet overcome.

Here are a few highlights that I took away from the event. These are things that jumped out at me; that caught my attention.
I encourage others that were there to comment with your own insights.

My 20 year old daughter:
I was only slightly nervous about inviting her to speak. It's a well known fact she & I have butted heads since her birth - seriously. So I knew it wasn't all going to be "my mom is the greatest!" I also know that she's a pretty honest person. She says what she's thinking. Hence, the butting heads thing. But I don't know that I was prepared for all of what she had to say.
It was heartbreaking to hear that she always felt guilty as a child. Guilty when she returned from her dad's with new stuff, or guilty that they had visited a fun place, or guilty that she hurt my feelings by revealing those things. I was sad that she had carried that burden & sad that I didn't realize it.
I was sad that she was sad that her brother taught her to ride a bike instead of her dad teaching her. That she missed out on the Father/Daughter dances in Girl Scouts. And, sad to learn that I was an "extremely strict" parent..........really? I wouldn't go that far now.
But, I was glad to hear that she felt grateful for it. She felt that she was better-off because I was so strict, despite making some wrong turns along the way. And she stressed how annoyed she gets when parents try to be their child's best friend. Her young adult advice - be a parent - not a friend. She and I are now transitioning into a "friendly" relationship. It's a process. But later, after the transformation, after she's married, with children of her own, we'll be best friends.

My daughter's 19-year old best friend:
She wasn't prepared for the emotions that surged to the surface as she started to speak - and she cried. She spoke of her experiences in a step-parent family situation. Her stepdad wasn't very nice. He said mean things to her. And what she was most upset about - not that he said mean things or was an "ugly" person - but that her mom didn't defend her. She knew that he had grown up in a not-so-ideal home situation himself. She was able to "understand" where he was coming from, in a sense. But she resented her mom for not coming to her defense.
I've never understood women that allow their children to be hurt by boyfriends/husbands. It's just beyond my comprehension. I realize there are reasons - I just don't understand those reasons. Just don't allow it.
One thing that she did have going for her was family. Her father lived here in town & the vast majority of her extended family lived between here & Dimmitt. So she had a support system that expected great things from her. That probably helped immensely in her not allowing her circumstances to drag her down.

The Licensed Professional Counselor: She was so impressed by both girls. She felt that they were mature, well-adjusted, responsible young adults.
She offered the following advice:
- DO NOT, under any circumstance, argue w/the ex in front of the kids. Not in person, not on the phone, not on facebook. The children love their father despite how you feel about him. You will only make yourself look bad in their eyes.
- It's ok to cry in front of the kids, but not all of the time. It's ok to tell them why you're crying, but only age-appropriate details.
- Talking is healing. You need someone to talk to - a friend, relative, counselor. The kids need a safe adult to talk to - counselor, aunt/uncle, teacher/coach. It's ok for everyone to have someone besides each other to talk to & share with.

I hope those in attendance benefitted from the panel of "experts." And I hope those reading, benefit from this very short summary.