Session One - Building Character in Kids

Definitions:
Boundary: a "property line" that defines a person; it defines where one person ends & someone else begins.
Parent as Guardian: legally respnsible for a child; protects & preserves the child.
Parent as Manager: makes sure things get done - goals reached, demands & expectations met.
Parent as Source: provides good things (material & immaterial) for the child, while progressively giving children the independence to obtain what they need on their own.

I told a story to the group about my son being 12 and not knowing how to start his own shower - he thought there wasn't any hot water. I had always started his & his sister's baths/showers, I assume to make sure that the temperature was just right and didn't scald them (a concept obviously carried over from babyhood). The book/video illustrated a similar story about a mom cleaning up her 14 year old son's room and a friend chastising her because that type of behavior wasn't helping out his future wife at all.

Do we sometimes over-do for our kids? It's just easier & faster isn't it? But is that teaching responsibility, building character, & progressively giving independence? How do we know when to stop helping & start letting, regardless of the inconvenience?

There's a great part in the movie Remember the Titans that I think applies to raising kids. Black students are integrating with a previously all white football team. The white coach, feeling sympathy for them because of all of the racial slurs and abuse the students have had to endure, has a tendancy to coddle the black students. Denzel Washington's character steps in and reprimands the other coach. Now, I'm paraphrasing here, but basically, he tells the white coach to cut it out. Those black students were going to have to endure a lot more hardship in their lives outside of that football team & coddling them wasn't doing them any favors. They weren't going to be prepared for the real world if that small part of their lives was too easy.

Now, I'm not saying we should go to the other extreme either. I know that sometimes as a single parent, I felt that I was exceptionally tough on my son because I thought I had to be a mother & a father to him. (Obviously not tough enough based on the shower incident). But there has to be an in-between, a middle-ground between helping and raising. Between doing-for and teaching. Between coddling and growing our kids to be responsible adults of exceptional character.

One suggestion is a method used in managing employees. We have to "train" our kids to transition to do for themselves..........
Step 1: Show them - let them just sit & watch you clean their room, or the kitchen, bathroom, etc. Maybe a couple of times. Let them sit & talk to you while you work.
Step 2: Do it with them - hand them a broom, brush, whatever, & work together. Give direction along the way, but be encouraging too.
Step 3: Watch them do it - it's your turn to sit & watch. Supervise them; directing & correcting when needed.
Step 4: Let them do it on their own. Maybe check in occasionally, and remember, that just because it's not exactly as you would have done it, doesn't mean it's not right.
Step 5: Give corrective feedback as necessary. If the tub still has an obvious ring, or there are toys stuffed under the bed, etc. then start all over. Show them, do it with them, watch them, let them, correct them, until it's neat & clean. Again, remember, that just because that dinosaur is standing on its head on the shelf doesn't mean it's wrong - if it's off the floor, take what you can get & go on...........

This week, Session 2 - Kids Need Parents with Boundaries.
See ya there!

P.S. Don't forget that this blog is supposed to be interactive. Give your comments, feedback, suggestions, etc. about this topic, or any parenting issue!