Session One - Building Character in Kids

Definitions:
Boundary: a "property line" that defines a person; it defines where one person ends & someone else begins.
Parent as Guardian: legally respnsible for a child; protects & preserves the child.
Parent as Manager: makes sure things get done - goals reached, demands & expectations met.
Parent as Source: provides good things (material & immaterial) for the child, while progressively giving children the independence to obtain what they need on their own.

I told a story to the group about my son being 12 and not knowing how to start his own shower - he thought there wasn't any hot water. I had always started his & his sister's baths/showers, I assume to make sure that the temperature was just right and didn't scald them (a concept obviously carried over from babyhood). The book/video illustrated a similar story about a mom cleaning up her 14 year old son's room and a friend chastising her because that type of behavior wasn't helping out his future wife at all.

Do we sometimes over-do for our kids? It's just easier & faster isn't it? But is that teaching responsibility, building character, & progressively giving independence? How do we know when to stop helping & start letting, regardless of the inconvenience?

There's a great part in the movie Remember the Titans that I think applies to raising kids. Black students are integrating with a previously all white football team. The white coach, feeling sympathy for them because of all of the racial slurs and abuse the students have had to endure, has a tendancy to coddle the black students. Denzel Washington's character steps in and reprimands the other coach. Now, I'm paraphrasing here, but basically, he tells the white coach to cut it out. Those black students were going to have to endure a lot more hardship in their lives outside of that football team & coddling them wasn't doing them any favors. They weren't going to be prepared for the real world if that small part of their lives was too easy.

Now, I'm not saying we should go to the other extreme either. I know that sometimes as a single parent, I felt that I was exceptionally tough on my son because I thought I had to be a mother & a father to him. (Obviously not tough enough based on the shower incident). But there has to be an in-between, a middle-ground between helping and raising. Between doing-for and teaching. Between coddling and growing our kids to be responsible adults of exceptional character.

One suggestion is a method used in managing employees. We have to "train" our kids to transition to do for themselves..........
Step 1: Show them - let them just sit & watch you clean their room, or the kitchen, bathroom, etc. Maybe a couple of times. Let them sit & talk to you while you work.
Step 2: Do it with them - hand them a broom, brush, whatever, & work together. Give direction along the way, but be encouraging too.
Step 3: Watch them do it - it's your turn to sit & watch. Supervise them; directing & correcting when needed.
Step 4: Let them do it on their own. Maybe check in occasionally, and remember, that just because it's not exactly as you would have done it, doesn't mean it's not right.
Step 5: Give corrective feedback as necessary. If the tub still has an obvious ring, or there are toys stuffed under the bed, etc. then start all over. Show them, do it with them, watch them, let them, correct them, until it's neat & clean. Again, remember, that just because that dinosaur is standing on its head on the shelf doesn't mean it's wrong - if it's off the floor, take what you can get & go on...........

This week, Session 2 - Kids Need Parents with Boundaries.
See ya there!

P.S. Don't forget that this blog is supposed to be interactive. Give your comments, feedback, suggestions, etc. about this topic, or any parenting issue!

Boundaries With Kids

We begin a new study this week: Boundaries With Kids by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend.

According to the Introduction, "parenting is relentless." Relentless........really?

Per Webster, that's an adjective meaning "showing or promising no abatement of severity, intensity, strength, or pace; unrelenting: relentless pressure, a relentless campaign."

I don't know that I agree. There have been plenty of days when I abated severity & intensity. When I was just too tired to have any strength or pace left. When I just wanted to let the kids win so that I'd have some peace & quiet.

So I asked the group what other words they'd use to describe parenting. They provided:
Tiresome
Rewarding
Challenging
Entertaining
Busy x2
Educational
Frustrating
Selfless

All of those & more?

Maybe that's what makes it relentless. Because of the positives, & despite the negatives, we're in it for the long haul. We don't dare turn our back, or God forbid, give up completely. We relentlessly push through..............Because even on those days when I had given up, I'd be right back at it all the next day - severely, intensely. It never ends. It's there every single day. And you have to deal with it, relentlessly.

Boundaries with Kids will provide a tool with which to instill Responsibilty, Stewardship, and Self-Control in our children. We begin with Session 1 tomorrow night, Building Character in Kids. I hope you can join us: 6:30-8:30, room 102.

If you can't join us, please pick up a copy of Boundaries with Kids and/or the Participant's Guide from any Christian bookstore and follow along with this blog.

Fear & The New Year

The group seems to be off to a great start this semester! We have some new faces in addition to some returning members and this gives us a wide range of life stages, i.e. experience, to enjoy & benefit from.

We're spending the 1st few weeks getting to know each other and deciding on a study to proceed with. During our most recent discussion, one mom expressed a concern that I believe many single moms deal with. The fear of crime and becoming a victim of violent crime.

While Amarillo is a relatively safe community, there are still news stories of murders, break-ins, robberies, rapes, etc. And while these things are typical in dangerous surroundings - bars/nightclubs, dark alleys, etc. - it's especially disturbing when we hear of it happening in a person's OWN HOME.

So, let's review the basics - Pray, keep your doors locked, & pray some more. But is it really just that simple? At Sue's reminding, I went to God's Word - the Bible, and quickly became overwhelmed at the number of verses related to FEAR. So I looked up AFRAID instead. A more manageable number. I have included a list of my Top 10 at the end of this blog, but please look up others as well.

The main theme - God commands us to not be afraid. Easier said than done, right? Especially when you have an overactive imagination like mine. However, for a big-city girl like me, I'm less afraid of some doped-up loser looking for cash & jewelry to pawn than I am of......well, we'll get to that later.

How does Webster define fear?
"1 a : an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger
b (1) : an instance of this emotion
(2) : a state marked by this emotion 2 : anxious concern : solicitude
(3) : profound reverence and awe especially toward God
(4) : reason for alarm : danger"

I found #3 incrediably interesting! I mean, why would we use the same word for something that paralyzes us, that holds us hostage within ourselves, for "profound reverence & awe...toward GOD." Say it with me - Wow.

Isn't that really healthy when you think about it? Doesn't fear sometimes drive us right to His arms for comfort & protection? I know that I have been so afraid for my children's well-being that I was driven to my knees. How else was my daughter not going to spiral into drugs and my son return safely from Afghanistan? By being so afraid that I had to have a "profound reverence & awe....toward GOD." I had to have complete & total faith & trust in Him because there was nothing else I could do for my kids. I could not make Lara's choices for her, and I could not shield Raymond from harm during war. So maybe fear is not something to be afraid of...........

So, how to practically apply God's word? One way is the common sense stuff - the lock your doors & be aware of your surroundings to start with stuff, but there's so much more. Therefore, I'm inviting in a member of the Amarillo Police Dept to give a presentation because sometimes we overlook the most obvious things & obsess over things that aren't going to help us at all.

Please post your comments here and share how you combat fear. Maybe it's through song, or reading, or watching a funny movie! Speaking of.....let me share with you my ultimate fear:
So, being the big-city girl that I am, I can pretty much hold my own against some lunatic that breaks into my house. But those weird bumps in the night sounds? I'm sure it's zombies. Oh, not the brain-eating movie zombies, but biological mutation zombies that want food & medicine & water because everyone is diseased & dying & for some reason, I'm immune & they're coming for me!
Too much information? Right. Well, ok then.
We're all afraid of something & that's my fear, regardless of how odd & far-fetched, unfortunately.......now, where's my bible.........

My Top 10 Do-Not-Be-Afraid verses:
Deuteronomy 1:29-31
Deuteronomy 20:3
Psalm 27:1-3
Psalm 56:3-4
Proverbs 3:24
Jeremiah 1:8
Matthew 8:26
Mark 5:36 (sums it all up)
John 14:27
Hebrews 13:6

Life Verse

ANCHOR - Heb. 6:19 - This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast, and which enters the presence behind the veil, (NKJV)

STRONGHOLD - Ps. 18:2 - The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. (NKJV)

SUPPORT - Acts 20:35 - I have shown you in every way, by laboring like this, that you must support the weak. And remember the words of the Lord Jesus, that He said, "It is more blessed to give than to receive." (NKJV)

In order for us to fulfill the purpose of a small group of building community with one other - loving and supporting one another - we must first anchor ourselves in God's word and allow him to be a stronghold to us individually and as a group.

Therefore, I've asked everyone to spend some time choosing a Life Verse for this particular moment in your life. Something that you use as an anchor - a verse that you cling to for comfort or strength or hope. And something that you can share or use to support others that may be in need of an uplifting word.

This should be a verse that you prayerfully consider and choose. Spend the next few weeks flipping through your bible at random, using the concordance, or even polling family & friends for their favorite verse and looking each one up to see what jumps out and speaks to you.

For example, soon after my seperation/divorce I found great comfort in Malachi 2:13-16 (bear w/me, it's kinda long, but worth it.) This is another thing you do. You cover the Lord's alter with your tears. You cry and moan, because he does not accept your offerings and is not pleased with what you bring. 14 You ask, "Why?" It is because the Lord sees how you treated the wife you married when you were young. You broke your promise to her, even though she was your partner and you had an agreement with her 15.......So be careful, and do not break your promise to the wife you married when you were young. 16 The Lord God of Israel says, "I hate divorce. And I hate people who do cruel things as easily as they put on clothes," says the Lord All-Powerful. So be careful and do not break your trust. (New Century Version)
At the time, I thought "YES! He is SO gonna get his! God is gonna strike him down at every turn! hahahahahahah"(evil laugh) Now I realize that's not exactly what the point was; eventually, I figured out that it means - God has it all under control. I don't have to be a hater, or wish bad things upon the father of my children, or be depressed - God is taking care of the situation. HE is aware and will handle it - I could LET IT GO.

My new Life Verse is similar - Ps. 55:22 Cast your burden on the Lord, and He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved. (NKJV)

Isn't that great? And it's true - I can honestly say that He really has sustained me through much burden over the years.

So I encourage each of you to seek out your Life Verse. We'll share it at the end of the Great Beginnings study.

See you Wednesday!

G-R-I-P

The last few weeks we've discussed "assignments" that we are supposed to complete at home and share later with the group based on the G-R-I-P profile outlined on page 8.

First of all is the Spiritual Gifts Assessment/Inventory. Go to www.churchgrowth.org to complete a short survey - be prepared to print and bring to class. This should take about 15-20 mins.
Next is the Resources list on page 20. Please do not think that any skill or ability is too unimportant to be considered as a resource. The smallest contribution can make a huge differerence to ONE person.
Then, make a list of Individual experiences (positive and negative) and Passions that you can share with the other members of the group.
As we share our experiences, strengths and weaknesses and expose our vulnerabilities we will begin to build each other up, hold each other up, mold our group together, and create a true community.

In addition, please read and prayer over the Group Covenant on page 18, then sign. Revisit it periodically and re-commit to it to maintain dedication.

Finally, I've asked everyone to choose a Life Verse to be revealed when we end our New Beginnings study. More on that later.

Hope to see everyone tomorrow night!

Welcome

Welcome to our new single mom's small group blog!

Being a single mom is synonymous with being busy.
Therefore, its nearly impossible to get everyone to every single meeting every single week.
There are sick kids, sports, dance, music lessons, homework, school events, and nights when you just can't go anywhere else & just want to eat a bowl of cereal for dinner and cuddle on the sofa.

So I thought this would be a good way to catch everyone up on any missed studies. I will attempt to post, hopefully within 24 hours, a short summary of what was discussed at that week's meeting. Then we can all engage in furthering the study and it's application.

Even if you did make that week's meeting, I encourage you to participate in this blog so that those that were absent get maximum feedback, etc. Or maybe you didn't get to express everything during the meeting because of time constraints, or you had an after-thought!

I hope this will be a great tool to helping our group grow as a community!