See this article on resolutions:
http://www.merriam-webster.com/trend-watch/2011/01/06/
Specifically "...resolution's Latin root, which meant 'the separation of something into smaller or simpler parts.'"
The typical New Year's resolutions include:
- Weight loss/Exercise/Healthy living
- Giving up something, i.e., caffeine, sweets, smoking, drinking
- Getting out of debt
- More time with God/Bible Study/Christian Fellowship
- More time with family/friends
- Enjoy life more (whatever that entails)
- Learn something new.
One year, I resolved to write more letters to family and friends. Feeling disconnected by the latest, greatest technology - at the time, email - I wanted to reconnect with loved ones via the written word. Pretty paper, colored ink, a return address on the envelope!
But resolutions don't last long for the vast majority that make them. Oh some make it several months, but most fizzle out after a few weeks of effort. To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure that I wrote more than 2 letters, maybe.
Accountability helps. Studies have shown that resolutions last slightly longer when you have someone to support and encourage you. Personally, the only time that it worked for me was when I gave up chocolate for Lent. God was my accountability buddy. And to this day, I'm not much a fan of chocolate, at all.
Psalm 18:18 They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support.
Psalm 94:18 When I said, "My foot is slipping, your love, O Lord, supported me.
Sometimes, we'll resolve to be more forgiving. To have a non-judgemental spirit. To remove the plank from our own eye.
Our group had decided on a forgiveness study just prior to being invited to join in the Untangling Relationships class. I believe we may have to untangle relationships before we can mend them through forgiveness.
...the separation of something into smaller or simpler parts...
Every year we get the strings of Christmas lights out. We work and work at untangling the twists and knots that somehow occured like magic during the previous 11 months in that bin in the attic/garage/closet.
We then plug in the strand to find the burnt out bulbs that inevitabally exist - again, like magic.
Once they're separated, and the small bulbs repaired/replaced, one by one, we plug in the strands to reveal bright, beautiful, LIGHT.
I pray this is a year of resolution for us all. I pray we can untangle relationships so that we can forgive each other and finally, SHINE, for the Kingdom of God.
Remember, that whatever you tackle - resolutions, fears, dreams, Christmas lights - break it into smaller manageable pieces, untangle what you can, repair the rest, and lean on God for support.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Monday, August 9, 2010
Summer Fun
Two weeks. Just 2 weeks until school starts. Have you done anything special with the kiddos this summer? If so, comment here & let me know, share it with the rest of us.
If you haven't, there's still time. And it doesn't have to be an expensive, far-away vacation. There are tons of fun inexpensive day-trips in the area.
There's a great super-playground in Memphis - yes, Memphis, Texas. A short 1 1/2 hour drive down 287 south. It's at the city park, a huge wooden monstrosity. My kids loved it. Ok, it's not that huge, but to little ones, it's pretty gosh darn big. FREE
Or, swing into New Mexico and visit a dormant volcano and actual real-life dinosaur tracks. A little longer of a drive (about 3 hours each way) but still a one day trip, drive up 87 north past Boys Ranch, Dalhart, and through Clayton, New Mexico. But don't blink or you'll miss the little speck of town that the volcano is in, Capulin.
There's a visitor/interpretive center at the base where you can pick up information. Then a parking area about 1/2 way up from where you can head down to the volcano floor and/or hike up to the rim. Warning - that's quite a struggle if you're not in shape - I'm embarrassed to say that my kids went on up without me - I'm sure it was the higher altitude that did me in! FREE
Then as you head back home, stop at Clayton Lake State Park. A large lovely lake, there is also a very educational visitor/interpretive center. On our visit, a park ranger visited with us and regaled the kids with stories of bears that had recently been sighted in the area. There's a short trek out to the dinosaur tracks observation deck - totally worth it - well, at least for nerds like me! FREE
Many times, we'd simply head down the road to Palo Duro Canyon. Of course it was more fun when the Sad Monkey Railroad was in operation, but there's still fun to be had without it. We'd hike and climb for hours. The most fun was cave-exploring! Just be sure to keep to the trails, I have heard of folks getting lost. $5/person, but children under 12 are free. Overnight camping is just $12-$25 per sight!
So, take a day off from work, pack a cooler with sandwiches and water, a backpack of granola bars & beef jerky and have some end-of-summer fun. You can create some great memories for just the price of a tank of gas.
Report back here with your experiences, or add your own suggestions!
If you haven't, there's still time. And it doesn't have to be an expensive, far-away vacation. There are tons of fun inexpensive day-trips in the area.
There's a great super-playground in Memphis - yes, Memphis, Texas. A short 1 1/2 hour drive down 287 south. It's at the city park, a huge wooden monstrosity. My kids loved it. Ok, it's not that huge, but to little ones, it's pretty gosh darn big. FREE
Or, swing into New Mexico and visit a dormant volcano and actual real-life dinosaur tracks. A little longer of a drive (about 3 hours each way) but still a one day trip, drive up 87 north past Boys Ranch, Dalhart, and through Clayton, New Mexico. But don't blink or you'll miss the little speck of town that the volcano is in, Capulin.
There's a visitor/interpretive center at the base where you can pick up information. Then a parking area about 1/2 way up from where you can head down to the volcano floor and/or hike up to the rim. Warning - that's quite a struggle if you're not in shape - I'm embarrassed to say that my kids went on up without me - I'm sure it was the higher altitude that did me in! FREE
Then as you head back home, stop at Clayton Lake State Park. A large lovely lake, there is also a very educational visitor/interpretive center. On our visit, a park ranger visited with us and regaled the kids with stories of bears that had recently been sighted in the area. There's a short trek out to the dinosaur tracks observation deck - totally worth it - well, at least for nerds like me! FREE
Many times, we'd simply head down the road to Palo Duro Canyon. Of course it was more fun when the Sad Monkey Railroad was in operation, but there's still fun to be had without it. We'd hike and climb for hours. The most fun was cave-exploring! Just be sure to keep to the trails, I have heard of folks getting lost. $5/person, but children under 12 are free. Overnight camping is just $12-$25 per sight!
So, take a day off from work, pack a cooler with sandwiches and water, a backpack of granola bars & beef jerky and have some end-of-summer fun. You can create some great memories for just the price of a tank of gas.
Report back here with your experiences, or add your own suggestions!
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Summer Time! (Blues)
Ah, summer.........a time of staying up late, sleeping in, hanging out.....oh wait, that's not us, that's our kids.
For years, my daughter would ask, EVERY single first day of school vacation...."Why do you have to go to work momma, it's summer vacation?" She eventually caught on.
It's also a time of VISITATION. AKA, mixed feelings.......don't want to seem TOO overly excited or people will think you don't love your kids. Don't want to seem TOO overly sad or people will think you haven't gotten over your ex. We can't win.
But why not be excited? Single parenting is rough, ROUGH I SAY! A much-needed break is, well, necessary.
My kids would go to their dad's in the Fort Worth area for 5-6 weeks every summer. It was pure heaven! Oh sure I missed them - but not at first. The first week or two was restful, peaceful. No one to feed, bathe, entertain, run around. No fighting with siblings, no whining, no messes, no noise. But after the 2nd week, it got old.
The missing would begin to creep in.......I'd open their bedroom doors & just stare at the beds. I'd catch myself looking at their pictures longer, more intently.
By the 1 month mark I'd be crazy - literally lost without them. Who are we as moms without kids around to need us?
So, my point? My point is, enjoy it. They always come home........YOU have more time with them then their father does. Let them enjoy each other, while you enjoy some well-earned alone time.
Take a candlelit bubble bath, heck, have a candlelit dinner! Yes alone! Or invite some gals over for a group dinner (not the bath, that's just odd). Go to Brush with Art and make a ceramic piece as a welcome home gift for each of your kids. Go out & shake your groove thing with girlfriends. See rated R movies!!!
Unfortunately, not all of us have the luxury of visitation. Some kiddos have no dad in the picture. But surely there's SOMEONE that you can reach out to so that you can have a little mini-break. Let them go to grandma's or an aunt's. Save up some dough & send them to Hidden Falls Ranch for a week - that is an EXCELLENT Christian program & they even offer scholarships. Maybe you can trade off with another single mom for a weekend alone.
Take some YOU time. It is SO important for your mental health.
Share some of your "missing my kids" coping methods here. Or, some of your ideas for exceptional ME-TIME!
For years, my daughter would ask, EVERY single first day of school vacation...."Why do you have to go to work momma, it's summer vacation?" She eventually caught on.
It's also a time of VISITATION. AKA, mixed feelings.......don't want to seem TOO overly excited or people will think you don't love your kids. Don't want to seem TOO overly sad or people will think you haven't gotten over your ex. We can't win.
But why not be excited? Single parenting is rough, ROUGH I SAY! A much-needed break is, well, necessary.
My kids would go to their dad's in the Fort Worth area for 5-6 weeks every summer. It was pure heaven! Oh sure I missed them - but not at first. The first week or two was restful, peaceful. No one to feed, bathe, entertain, run around. No fighting with siblings, no whining, no messes, no noise. But after the 2nd week, it got old.
The missing would begin to creep in.......I'd open their bedroom doors & just stare at the beds. I'd catch myself looking at their pictures longer, more intently.
By the 1 month mark I'd be crazy - literally lost without them. Who are we as moms without kids around to need us?
So, my point? My point is, enjoy it. They always come home........YOU have more time with them then their father does. Let them enjoy each other, while you enjoy some well-earned alone time.
Take a candlelit bubble bath, heck, have a candlelit dinner! Yes alone! Or invite some gals over for a group dinner (not the bath, that's just odd). Go to Brush with Art and make a ceramic piece as a welcome home gift for each of your kids. Go out & shake your groove thing with girlfriends. See rated R movies!!!
Unfortunately, not all of us have the luxury of visitation. Some kiddos have no dad in the picture. But surely there's SOMEONE that you can reach out to so that you can have a little mini-break. Let them go to grandma's or an aunt's. Save up some dough & send them to Hidden Falls Ranch for a week - that is an EXCELLENT Christian program & they even offer scholarships. Maybe you can trade off with another single mom for a weekend alone.
Take some YOU time. It is SO important for your mental health.
Share some of your "missing my kids" coping methods here. Or, some of your ideas for exceptional ME-TIME!
Monday, April 19, 2010
New Study
So, we embark on a new study. A study designed to create balance in the 4 core areas of our lives - emotional, spiritual, mental and physical - "total health from the inside out." We're going to focus on putting GOD first in our lives. Once we accomplish that, everything else will fall into its perspective place.
Matthew 6:33 Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
A lack of time is our excuse for many things. We don't have time to work out, we don't have time to read a good book, we don't have time to journal, we don't have time for ourselves period much less anything else.
Personally, this tax season kicked my butt, more so than previous ones. I'm exhausted. Maybe it's because I've had too many other things on my mind. Maybe it's because I've been fighting the blues. But I haven't had time to keep up w/my favorite shows, I haven't had time to devote to the small group or this blog, I haven't had time to think straight.
But have I really not HAD time, or I haven't MADE time? My mother used to say, "you can sleep when you die." True enough, I guess. I suppose I could have given up a few more hours of sleep. But I REALLY like my sleep. And research shows that if we don't get enough rest our bodies will suffer lower immunity which leads to illness, etc. etc., vicious circle, & all that other rhetoric.
Therefore, I will bring in guest speakers throughout the study to help us focus more fully on the 4 areas. The first, a personal trainer a few weeks ago, gave us some tips to help jump start the physical well-being portion of the study. Following are some important points from her talk:
- The amount of time you give to working out is not as important as the amount of EFFORT you give. Heather talked about seeing people at the gym that only give 50% to their workout. They mosey from machine to machine, taking their time, talking to people they know. They aren't really working very hard at anything - it's social hour. She recommends giving 110% to 2 minutes, or 10 minutes, or 20 minutes as opposed to giving 50% to an hour.
- Keep a positive attitude, in everything you do. You can do more than you think you can, if you just go for it. Staying positive makes anything and everything easier, and more enjoyable.
- Multitask by praying during exercise/chores: If you're doing housework, pray for those whose laundry you're folding. Give thanks for the food you just ate while washing dishes. Even give thanks for something/someone different with each jumping jack or sit-up.
- Don't be still, EVER: Just keep moving. Pace while watching TV or reading. Do squats while drying your hair. March in place or do leg lifts while brushing your teeth. Do push-ups against the kitchen counter while waiting for the water to boil, or the meal to finish baking.
- The most important thing that she wanted to stress is to just BE THERE IN THAT MOMENT. If what you are doing honors God & you're giving 110% in all you do, God will honor your efforts.
Look up 2 Cor 4: 16-18 and I'll see you tomorrow night! Don't forget to come prepared to work-out!!!
Matthew 6:33 Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
A lack of time is our excuse for many things. We don't have time to work out, we don't have time to read a good book, we don't have time to journal, we don't have time for ourselves period much less anything else.
Personally, this tax season kicked my butt, more so than previous ones. I'm exhausted. Maybe it's because I've had too many other things on my mind. Maybe it's because I've been fighting the blues. But I haven't had time to keep up w/my favorite shows, I haven't had time to devote to the small group or this blog, I haven't had time to think straight.
But have I really not HAD time, or I haven't MADE time? My mother used to say, "you can sleep when you die." True enough, I guess. I suppose I could have given up a few more hours of sleep. But I REALLY like my sleep. And research shows that if we don't get enough rest our bodies will suffer lower immunity which leads to illness, etc. etc., vicious circle, & all that other rhetoric.
Therefore, I will bring in guest speakers throughout the study to help us focus more fully on the 4 areas. The first, a personal trainer a few weeks ago, gave us some tips to help jump start the physical well-being portion of the study. Following are some important points from her talk:
- The amount of time you give to working out is not as important as the amount of EFFORT you give. Heather talked about seeing people at the gym that only give 50% to their workout. They mosey from machine to machine, taking their time, talking to people they know. They aren't really working very hard at anything - it's social hour. She recommends giving 110% to 2 minutes, or 10 minutes, or 20 minutes as opposed to giving 50% to an hour.
- Keep a positive attitude, in everything you do. You can do more than you think you can, if you just go for it. Staying positive makes anything and everything easier, and more enjoyable.
- Multitask by praying during exercise/chores: If you're doing housework, pray for those whose laundry you're folding. Give thanks for the food you just ate while washing dishes. Even give thanks for something/someone different with each jumping jack or sit-up.
- Don't be still, EVER: Just keep moving. Pace while watching TV or reading. Do squats while drying your hair. March in place or do leg lifts while brushing your teeth. Do push-ups against the kitchen counter while waiting for the water to boil, or the meal to finish baking.
- The most important thing that she wanted to stress is to just BE THERE IN THAT MOMENT. If what you are doing honors God & you're giving 110% in all you do, God will honor your efforts.
Look up 2 Cor 4: 16-18 and I'll see you tomorrow night! Don't forget to come prepared to work-out!!!
Monday, March 15, 2010
Guest Speaker Follow-up
The group was so blessed by our guest speakers a few weeks ago.
We laughed, we cried. They laughed, they cried.
They offered insight & wisdom & hope - but especially promise.
Promise that our children will not be ruined by their circumstances.
Promise that everyone will emerge on the other side of divorce stable and whole. Promise that we ALL struggle yet overcome.
Here are a few highlights that I took away from the event. These are things that jumped out at me; that caught my attention.
I encourage others that were there to comment with your own insights.
My 20 year old daughter:
I was only slightly nervous about inviting her to speak. It's a well known fact she & I have butted heads since her birth - seriously. So I knew it wasn't all going to be "my mom is the greatest!" I also know that she's a pretty honest person. She says what she's thinking. Hence, the butting heads thing. But I don't know that I was prepared for all of what she had to say.
It was heartbreaking to hear that she always felt guilty as a child. Guilty when she returned from her dad's with new stuff, or guilty that they had visited a fun place, or guilty that she hurt my feelings by revealing those things. I was sad that she had carried that burden & sad that I didn't realize it.
I was sad that she was sad that her brother taught her to ride a bike instead of her dad teaching her. That she missed out on the Father/Daughter dances in Girl Scouts. And, sad to learn that I was an "extremely strict" parent..........really? I wouldn't go that far now.
But, I was glad to hear that she felt grateful for it. She felt that she was better-off because I was so strict, despite making some wrong turns along the way. And she stressed how annoyed she gets when parents try to be their child's best friend. Her young adult advice - be a parent - not a friend. She and I are now transitioning into a "friendly" relationship. It's a process. But later, after the transformation, after she's married, with children of her own, we'll be best friends.
My daughter's 19-year old best friend:
She wasn't prepared for the emotions that surged to the surface as she started to speak - and she cried. She spoke of her experiences in a step-parent family situation. Her stepdad wasn't very nice. He said mean things to her. And what she was most upset about - not that he said mean things or was an "ugly" person - but that her mom didn't defend her. She knew that he had grown up in a not-so-ideal home situation himself. She was able to "understand" where he was coming from, in a sense. But she resented her mom for not coming to her defense.
I've never understood women that allow their children to be hurt by boyfriends/husbands. It's just beyond my comprehension. I realize there are reasons - I just don't understand those reasons. Just don't allow it.
One thing that she did have going for her was family. Her father lived here in town & the vast majority of her extended family lived between here & Dimmitt. So she had a support system that expected great things from her. That probably helped immensely in her not allowing her circumstances to drag her down.
The Licensed Professional Counselor: She was so impressed by both girls. She felt that they were mature, well-adjusted, responsible young adults.
She offered the following advice:
- DO NOT, under any circumstance, argue w/the ex in front of the kids. Not in person, not on the phone, not on facebook. The children love their father despite how you feel about him. You will only make yourself look bad in their eyes.
- It's ok to cry in front of the kids, but not all of the time. It's ok to tell them why you're crying, but only age-appropriate details.
- Talking is healing. You need someone to talk to - a friend, relative, counselor. The kids need a safe adult to talk to - counselor, aunt/uncle, teacher/coach. It's ok for everyone to have someone besides each other to talk to & share with.
I hope those in attendance benefitted from the panel of "experts." And I hope those reading, benefit from this very short summary.
We laughed, we cried. They laughed, they cried.
They offered insight & wisdom & hope - but especially promise.
Promise that our children will not be ruined by their circumstances.
Promise that everyone will emerge on the other side of divorce stable and whole. Promise that we ALL struggle yet overcome.
Here are a few highlights that I took away from the event. These are things that jumped out at me; that caught my attention.
I encourage others that were there to comment with your own insights.
My 20 year old daughter:
I was only slightly nervous about inviting her to speak. It's a well known fact she & I have butted heads since her birth - seriously. So I knew it wasn't all going to be "my mom is the greatest!" I also know that she's a pretty honest person. She says what she's thinking. Hence, the butting heads thing. But I don't know that I was prepared for all of what she had to say.
It was heartbreaking to hear that she always felt guilty as a child. Guilty when she returned from her dad's with new stuff, or guilty that they had visited a fun place, or guilty that she hurt my feelings by revealing those things. I was sad that she had carried that burden & sad that I didn't realize it.
I was sad that she was sad that her brother taught her to ride a bike instead of her dad teaching her. That she missed out on the Father/Daughter dances in Girl Scouts. And, sad to learn that I was an "extremely strict" parent..........really? I wouldn't go that far now.
But, I was glad to hear that she felt grateful for it. She felt that she was better-off because I was so strict, despite making some wrong turns along the way. And she stressed how annoyed she gets when parents try to be their child's best friend. Her young adult advice - be a parent - not a friend. She and I are now transitioning into a "friendly" relationship. It's a process. But later, after the transformation, after she's married, with children of her own, we'll be best friends.
My daughter's 19-year old best friend:
She wasn't prepared for the emotions that surged to the surface as she started to speak - and she cried. She spoke of her experiences in a step-parent family situation. Her stepdad wasn't very nice. He said mean things to her. And what she was most upset about - not that he said mean things or was an "ugly" person - but that her mom didn't defend her. She knew that he had grown up in a not-so-ideal home situation himself. She was able to "understand" where he was coming from, in a sense. But she resented her mom for not coming to her defense.
I've never understood women that allow their children to be hurt by boyfriends/husbands. It's just beyond my comprehension. I realize there are reasons - I just don't understand those reasons. Just don't allow it.
One thing that she did have going for her was family. Her father lived here in town & the vast majority of her extended family lived between here & Dimmitt. So she had a support system that expected great things from her. That probably helped immensely in her not allowing her circumstances to drag her down.
The Licensed Professional Counselor: She was so impressed by both girls. She felt that they were mature, well-adjusted, responsible young adults.
She offered the following advice:
- DO NOT, under any circumstance, argue w/the ex in front of the kids. Not in person, not on the phone, not on facebook. The children love their father despite how you feel about him. You will only make yourself look bad in their eyes.
- It's ok to cry in front of the kids, but not all of the time. It's ok to tell them why you're crying, but only age-appropriate details.
- Talking is healing. You need someone to talk to - a friend, relative, counselor. The kids need a safe adult to talk to - counselor, aunt/uncle, teacher/coach. It's ok for everyone to have someone besides each other to talk to & share with.
I hope those in attendance benefitted from the panel of "experts." And I hope those reading, benefit from this very short summary.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Insecurities & Guest Speakers
Moms are plagued by insecurities. Not just single moms, all moms. That's why we compare our children from the moment of conception. "My pregnancy this, my labor that. Johnny walked at 10 months, well Susie talked at 9. My child was accepted to Harvard, well mine is attending Yale AND MIT."
Moms need constant valuation. "How am I doing? Is my kid acceptable? Am I a bad mother?" Oh, we may not admit it to others, or ourselves. But it's there. Nagging us from the deepest recesses of our brain...............
It's so easy to fall into the "I'm inadequate" trap. No matter what your level of self-esteem, you'll never be as good as so-&-so or have it all together like the Joneses. We'll never be those perfect people w/the perfect kids.
But guess what................EVERYONE thinks that.
So-&-so thinks it. The Joneses think it. The perfect people think it.
Now I know you look at me & think, "wow, Lana is awesome. she sure has it all figured out." (that's what you think right?) Well, it's time to let you in on a little secret - NOT! One of the main components of a Small Group is total transparency. I can not lead the group if I'm not willing to place my soul out there for all to see & gleen whatever they need from it.
So, I submit to you, an entry from my journal dated 7/27/97. I was missing my kiddos terribly. They were at their dad's in Fort Worth for a whole month, so I wrote to them in my journal......
"Being a parent is hard work. Especially being a single parent. Not that it's a BAD thing, just difficult. I want so much to raise you as good Christians who will be a benefit to society as adults. And if you are, I'll claim you & take responsibility for being a great mom. If you turn out to be ax-murderers however, well, I'll just blame it on your father of course.
Please don't hold too many bad memories against me. I've tried my best. And I totally & completely LOVE you guys. Parenthood doesn't come w/instructions. All we have is what our parents instilled in us (& in my dysfunctional family, that isn't a whole lot!). Hopefully, each generation gets a little better at it.
Sometimes I think I yelled too much & spanked too little.
Other times I think I spanked too much & talked too little.
Still other times I think I talked too much & didn't listen enough!
A parent's guilt is never-ending.
The worst part about being a single parent is not having anyone to share the responsibility of raising you with. And the best part about being a single parent is not having anyone to share YOU with - there is no camcorder or camera that can capture the feel of your small soft hand in mine, or on my face when you're lying beside me, falling asleep. Or the sound of your voices singing with mine, a song I have taught you. Or when you sing a new song learned in church or school & share it w/me.
You 2 are the best things that ever happend to me - even when I'm yelling at you."
I hope you see my insecurities. I hope you see the desperation.
I hope you see the desperation for my kids' approval - not society's. They're really the ones that matter. The Joneses aren't going to remember you for being a good parent, or a bad one. Your children's point of view is all that matters.
Some of the concerns expressed by the group recently include:
- I yell too much at my child.
- I worry that my child is too angry.
- How much emotion should I express in front of my child without ruining them?
- What about dating!
So, this week I have invited a panel of experts to address some of these concerns. Two former children of single parent homes - 1 of my own included - and a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in child psychology will be on hand to answer any questions and address specific concerns. I hope this blesses all of you with what you need to parent the most important earthly assets God has entrusted to you.
Moms need constant valuation. "How am I doing? Is my kid acceptable? Am I a bad mother?" Oh, we may not admit it to others, or ourselves. But it's there. Nagging us from the deepest recesses of our brain...............
It's so easy to fall into the "I'm inadequate" trap. No matter what your level of self-esteem, you'll never be as good as so-&-so or have it all together like the Joneses. We'll never be those perfect people w/the perfect kids.
But guess what................EVERYONE thinks that.
So-&-so thinks it. The Joneses think it. The perfect people think it.
Now I know you look at me & think, "wow, Lana is awesome. she sure has it all figured out." (that's what you think right?) Well, it's time to let you in on a little secret - NOT! One of the main components of a Small Group is total transparency. I can not lead the group if I'm not willing to place my soul out there for all to see & gleen whatever they need from it.
So, I submit to you, an entry from my journal dated 7/27/97. I was missing my kiddos terribly. They were at their dad's in Fort Worth for a whole month, so I wrote to them in my journal......
"Being a parent is hard work. Especially being a single parent. Not that it's a BAD thing, just difficult. I want so much to raise you as good Christians who will be a benefit to society as adults. And if you are, I'll claim you & take responsibility for being a great mom. If you turn out to be ax-murderers however, well, I'll just blame it on your father of course.
Please don't hold too many bad memories against me. I've tried my best. And I totally & completely LOVE you guys. Parenthood doesn't come w/instructions. All we have is what our parents instilled in us (& in my dysfunctional family, that isn't a whole lot!). Hopefully, each generation gets a little better at it.
Sometimes I think I yelled too much & spanked too little.
Other times I think I spanked too much & talked too little.
Still other times I think I talked too much & didn't listen enough!
A parent's guilt is never-ending.
The worst part about being a single parent is not having anyone to share the responsibility of raising you with. And the best part about being a single parent is not having anyone to share YOU with - there is no camcorder or camera that can capture the feel of your small soft hand in mine, or on my face when you're lying beside me, falling asleep. Or the sound of your voices singing with mine, a song I have taught you. Or when you sing a new song learned in church or school & share it w/me.
You 2 are the best things that ever happend to me - even when I'm yelling at you."
I hope you see my insecurities. I hope you see the desperation.
I hope you see the desperation for my kids' approval - not society's. They're really the ones that matter. The Joneses aren't going to remember you for being a good parent, or a bad one. Your children's point of view is all that matters.
Some of the concerns expressed by the group recently include:
- I yell too much at my child.
- I worry that my child is too angry.
- How much emotion should I express in front of my child without ruining them?
- What about dating!
So, this week I have invited a panel of experts to address some of these concerns. Two former children of single parent homes - 1 of my own included - and a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in child psychology will be on hand to answer any questions and address specific concerns. I hope this blesses all of you with what you need to parent the most important earthly assets God has entrusted to you.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
'being mom vs. human' question
Following is a message from a single mom - well, more of a plea for help than a message. I've copied exactly as I received it. Then I posted my reply to her as the first comment.
I encourage all of you to discuss here. Comment here with suggestions, affirmations, or even just a "girl, I know exactly where you're coming from."
I know for a fact, that this is something all moms struggle with - single or not.
"I need some help from any of the single moms who can help me with this question......my heart is broken and yet I'm trying to figure out how to be a mom and a human at the same time. A mom in that my kids don't see me cry or sad or frustrated to where they feel it but yet somehow hold it in until i can cry at night or some other time and not react when they share upsetting information about the ex or when the car breaks down and the computer doesn't work and the house is a mess and working all week and the kids fight and no one is there to pick it all up but mom. I don't want my daughters to be sad because I'm sad, yet how to show them it's ok and normal for people to be sad sometimes. I don't know if this makes sense at all, but I do appreciate you listening. Please let me know if I'm totally crazy but I don't understand sometimes how I can be all these things the most healthy way possible for all."
I encourage all of you to discuss here. Comment here with suggestions, affirmations, or even just a "girl, I know exactly where you're coming from."
I know for a fact, that this is something all moms struggle with - single or not.
"I need some help from any of the single moms who can help me with this question......my heart is broken and yet I'm trying to figure out how to be a mom and a human at the same time. A mom in that my kids don't see me cry or sad or frustrated to where they feel it but yet somehow hold it in until i can cry at night or some other time and not react when they share upsetting information about the ex or when the car breaks down and the computer doesn't work and the house is a mess and working all week and the kids fight and no one is there to pick it all up but mom. I don't want my daughters to be sad because I'm sad, yet how to show them it's ok and normal for people to be sad sometimes. I don't know if this makes sense at all, but I do appreciate you listening. Please let me know if I'm totally crazy but I don't understand sometimes how I can be all these things the most healthy way possible for all."
Monday, October 19, 2009
Session One - Building Character in Kids
Definitions:
Boundary: a "property line" that defines a person; it defines where one person ends & someone else begins.
Parent as Guardian: legally respnsible for a child; protects & preserves the child.
Parent as Manager: makes sure things get done - goals reached, demands & expectations met.
Parent as Source: provides good things (material & immaterial) for the child, while progressively giving children the independence to obtain what they need on their own.
I told a story to the group about my son being 12 and not knowing how to start his own shower - he thought there wasn't any hot water. I had always started his & his sister's baths/showers, I assume to make sure that the temperature was just right and didn't scald them (a concept obviously carried over from babyhood). The book/video illustrated a similar story about a mom cleaning up her 14 year old son's room and a friend chastising her because that type of behavior wasn't helping out his future wife at all.
Do we sometimes over-do for our kids? It's just easier & faster isn't it? But is that teaching responsibility, building character, & progressively giving independence? How do we know when to stop helping & start letting, regardless of the inconvenience?
There's a great part in the movie Remember the Titans that I think applies to raising kids. Black students are integrating with a previously all white football team. The white coach, feeling sympathy for them because of all of the racial slurs and abuse the students have had to endure, has a tendancy to coddle the black students. Denzel Washington's character steps in and reprimands the other coach. Now, I'm paraphrasing here, but basically, he tells the white coach to cut it out. Those black students were going to have to endure a lot more hardship in their lives outside of that football team & coddling them wasn't doing them any favors. They weren't going to be prepared for the real world if that small part of their lives was too easy.
Now, I'm not saying we should go to the other extreme either. I know that sometimes as a single parent, I felt that I was exceptionally tough on my son because I thought I had to be a mother & a father to him. (Obviously not tough enough based on the shower incident). But there has to be an in-between, a middle-ground between helping and raising. Between doing-for and teaching. Between coddling and growing our kids to be responsible adults of exceptional character.
One suggestion is a method used in managing employees. We have to "train" our kids to transition to do for themselves..........
Step 1: Show them - let them just sit & watch you clean their room, or the kitchen, bathroom, etc. Maybe a couple of times. Let them sit & talk to you while you work.
Step 2: Do it with them - hand them a broom, brush, whatever, & work together. Give direction along the way, but be encouraging too.
Step 3: Watch them do it - it's your turn to sit & watch. Supervise them; directing & correcting when needed.
Step 4: Let them do it on their own. Maybe check in occasionally, and remember, that just because it's not exactly as you would have done it, doesn't mean it's not right.
Step 5: Give corrective feedback as necessary. If the tub still has an obvious ring, or there are toys stuffed under the bed, etc. then start all over. Show them, do it with them, watch them, let them, correct them, until it's neat & clean. Again, remember, that just because that dinosaur is standing on its head on the shelf doesn't mean it's wrong - if it's off the floor, take what you can get & go on...........
This week, Session 2 - Kids Need Parents with Boundaries.
See ya there!
P.S. Don't forget that this blog is supposed to be interactive. Give your comments, feedback, suggestions, etc. about this topic, or any parenting issue!
Boundary: a "property line" that defines a person; it defines where one person ends & someone else begins.
Parent as Guardian: legally respnsible for a child; protects & preserves the child.
Parent as Manager: makes sure things get done - goals reached, demands & expectations met.
Parent as Source: provides good things (material & immaterial) for the child, while progressively giving children the independence to obtain what they need on their own.
I told a story to the group about my son being 12 and not knowing how to start his own shower - he thought there wasn't any hot water. I had always started his & his sister's baths/showers, I assume to make sure that the temperature was just right and didn't scald them (a concept obviously carried over from babyhood). The book/video illustrated a similar story about a mom cleaning up her 14 year old son's room and a friend chastising her because that type of behavior wasn't helping out his future wife at all.
Do we sometimes over-do for our kids? It's just easier & faster isn't it? But is that teaching responsibility, building character, & progressively giving independence? How do we know when to stop helping & start letting, regardless of the inconvenience?
There's a great part in the movie Remember the Titans that I think applies to raising kids. Black students are integrating with a previously all white football team. The white coach, feeling sympathy for them because of all of the racial slurs and abuse the students have had to endure, has a tendancy to coddle the black students. Denzel Washington's character steps in and reprimands the other coach. Now, I'm paraphrasing here, but basically, he tells the white coach to cut it out. Those black students were going to have to endure a lot more hardship in their lives outside of that football team & coddling them wasn't doing them any favors. They weren't going to be prepared for the real world if that small part of their lives was too easy.
Now, I'm not saying we should go to the other extreme either. I know that sometimes as a single parent, I felt that I was exceptionally tough on my son because I thought I had to be a mother & a father to him. (Obviously not tough enough based on the shower incident). But there has to be an in-between, a middle-ground between helping and raising. Between doing-for and teaching. Between coddling and growing our kids to be responsible adults of exceptional character.
One suggestion is a method used in managing employees. We have to "train" our kids to transition to do for themselves..........
Step 1: Show them - let them just sit & watch you clean their room, or the kitchen, bathroom, etc. Maybe a couple of times. Let them sit & talk to you while you work.
Step 2: Do it with them - hand them a broom, brush, whatever, & work together. Give direction along the way, but be encouraging too.
Step 3: Watch them do it - it's your turn to sit & watch. Supervise them; directing & correcting when needed.
Step 4: Let them do it on their own. Maybe check in occasionally, and remember, that just because it's not exactly as you would have done it, doesn't mean it's not right.
Step 5: Give corrective feedback as necessary. If the tub still has an obvious ring, or there are toys stuffed under the bed, etc. then start all over. Show them, do it with them, watch them, let them, correct them, until it's neat & clean. Again, remember, that just because that dinosaur is standing on its head on the shelf doesn't mean it's wrong - if it's off the floor, take what you can get & go on...........
This week, Session 2 - Kids Need Parents with Boundaries.
See ya there!
P.S. Don't forget that this blog is supposed to be interactive. Give your comments, feedback, suggestions, etc. about this topic, or any parenting issue!
Monday, October 12, 2009
Boundaries With Kids
We begin a new study this week: Boundaries With Kids by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend.
According to the Introduction, "parenting is relentless." Relentless........really?
Per Webster, that's an adjective meaning "showing or promising no abatement of severity, intensity, strength, or pace; unrelenting: relentless pressure, a relentless campaign."
I don't know that I agree. There have been plenty of days when I abated severity & intensity. When I was just too tired to have any strength or pace left. When I just wanted to let the kids win so that I'd have some peace & quiet.
So I asked the group what other words they'd use to describe parenting. They provided:
Tiresome
Rewarding
Challenging
Entertaining
Busy x2
Educational
Frustrating
Selfless
All of those & more?
Maybe that's what makes it relentless. Because of the positives, & despite the negatives, we're in it for the long haul. We don't dare turn our back, or God forbid, give up completely. We relentlessly push through..............Because even on those days when I had given up, I'd be right back at it all the next day - severely, intensely. It never ends. It's there every single day. And you have to deal with it, relentlessly.
Boundaries with Kids will provide a tool with which to instill Responsibilty, Stewardship, and Self-Control in our children. We begin with Session 1 tomorrow night, Building Character in Kids. I hope you can join us: 6:30-8:30, room 102.
If you can't join us, please pick up a copy of Boundaries with Kids and/or the Participant's Guide from any Christian bookstore and follow along with this blog.
According to the Introduction, "parenting is relentless." Relentless........really?
Per Webster, that's an adjective meaning "showing or promising no abatement of severity, intensity, strength, or pace; unrelenting: relentless pressure, a relentless campaign."
I don't know that I agree. There have been plenty of days when I abated severity & intensity. When I was just too tired to have any strength or pace left. When I just wanted to let the kids win so that I'd have some peace & quiet.
So I asked the group what other words they'd use to describe parenting. They provided:
Tiresome
Rewarding
Challenging
Entertaining
Busy x2
Educational
Frustrating
Selfless
All of those & more?
Maybe that's what makes it relentless. Because of the positives, & despite the negatives, we're in it for the long haul. We don't dare turn our back, or God forbid, give up completely. We relentlessly push through..............Because even on those days when I had given up, I'd be right back at it all the next day - severely, intensely. It never ends. It's there every single day. And you have to deal with it, relentlessly.
Boundaries with Kids will provide a tool with which to instill Responsibilty, Stewardship, and Self-Control in our children. We begin with Session 1 tomorrow night, Building Character in Kids. I hope you can join us: 6:30-8:30, room 102.
If you can't join us, please pick up a copy of Boundaries with Kids and/or the Participant's Guide from any Christian bookstore and follow along with this blog.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Fear & The New Year
The group seems to be off to a great start this semester! We have some new faces in addition to some returning members and this gives us a wide range of life stages, i.e. experience, to enjoy & benefit from.
We're spending the 1st few weeks getting to know each other and deciding on a study to proceed with. During our most recent discussion, one mom expressed a concern that I believe many single moms deal with. The fear of crime and becoming a victim of violent crime.
While Amarillo is a relatively safe community, there are still news stories of murders, break-ins, robberies, rapes, etc. And while these things are typical in dangerous surroundings - bars/nightclubs, dark alleys, etc. - it's especially disturbing when we hear of it happening in a person's OWN HOME.
So, let's review the basics - Pray, keep your doors locked, & pray some more. But is it really just that simple? At Sue's reminding, I went to God's Word - the Bible, and quickly became overwhelmed at the number of verses related to FEAR. So I looked up AFRAID instead. A more manageable number. I have included a list of my Top 10 at the end of this blog, but please look up others as well.
The main theme - God commands us to not be afraid. Easier said than done, right? Especially when you have an overactive imagination like mine. However, for a big-city girl like me, I'm less afraid of some doped-up loser looking for cash & jewelry to pawn than I am of......well, we'll get to that later.
How does Webster define fear?
"1 a : an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger
b (1) : an instance of this emotion
(2) : a state marked by this emotion 2 : anxious concern : solicitude
(3) : profound reverence and awe especially toward God
(4) : reason for alarm : danger"
I found #3 incrediably interesting! I mean, why would we use the same word for something that paralyzes us, that holds us hostage within ourselves, for "profound reverence & awe...toward GOD." Say it with me - Wow.
Isn't that really healthy when you think about it? Doesn't fear sometimes drive us right to His arms for comfort & protection? I know that I have been so afraid for my children's well-being that I was driven to my knees. How else was my daughter not going to spiral into drugs and my son return safely from Afghanistan? By being so afraid that I had to have a "profound reverence & awe....toward GOD." I had to have complete & total faith & trust in Him because there was nothing else I could do for my kids. I could not make Lara's choices for her, and I could not shield Raymond from harm during war. So maybe fear is not something to be afraid of...........
So, how to practically apply God's word? One way is the common sense stuff - the lock your doors & be aware of your surroundings to start with stuff, but there's so much more. Therefore, I'm inviting in a member of the Amarillo Police Dept to give a presentation because sometimes we overlook the most obvious things & obsess over things that aren't going to help us at all.
Please post your comments here and share how you combat fear. Maybe it's through song, or reading, or watching a funny movie! Speaking of.....let me share with you my ultimate fear:
So, being the big-city girl that I am, I can pretty much hold my own against some lunatic that breaks into my house. But those weird bumps in the night sounds? I'm sure it's zombies. Oh, not the brain-eating movie zombies, but biological mutation zombies that want food & medicine & water because everyone is diseased & dying & for some reason, I'm immune & they're coming for me!
Too much information? Right. Well, ok then.
We're all afraid of something & that's my fear, regardless of how odd & far-fetched, unfortunately.......now, where's my bible.........
My Top 10 Do-Not-Be-Afraid verses:
Deuteronomy 1:29-31
Deuteronomy 20:3
Psalm 27:1-3
Psalm 56:3-4
Proverbs 3:24
Jeremiah 1:8
Matthew 8:26
Mark 5:36 (sums it all up)
John 14:27
Hebrews 13:6
We're spending the 1st few weeks getting to know each other and deciding on a study to proceed with. During our most recent discussion, one mom expressed a concern that I believe many single moms deal with. The fear of crime and becoming a victim of violent crime.
While Amarillo is a relatively safe community, there are still news stories of murders, break-ins, robberies, rapes, etc. And while these things are typical in dangerous surroundings - bars/nightclubs, dark alleys, etc. - it's especially disturbing when we hear of it happening in a person's OWN HOME.
So, let's review the basics - Pray, keep your doors locked, & pray some more. But is it really just that simple? At Sue's reminding, I went to God's Word - the Bible, and quickly became overwhelmed at the number of verses related to FEAR. So I looked up AFRAID instead. A more manageable number. I have included a list of my Top 10 at the end of this blog, but please look up others as well.
The main theme - God commands us to not be afraid. Easier said than done, right? Especially when you have an overactive imagination like mine. However, for a big-city girl like me, I'm less afraid of some doped-up loser looking for cash & jewelry to pawn than I am of......well, we'll get to that later.
How does Webster define fear?
"1 a : an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger
b (1) : an instance of this emotion
(2) : a state marked by this emotion 2 : anxious concern : solicitude
(3) : profound reverence and awe especially toward God
(4) : reason for alarm : danger"
I found #3 incrediably interesting! I mean, why would we use the same word for something that paralyzes us, that holds us hostage within ourselves, for "profound reverence & awe...toward GOD." Say it with me - Wow.
Isn't that really healthy when you think about it? Doesn't fear sometimes drive us right to His arms for comfort & protection? I know that I have been so afraid for my children's well-being that I was driven to my knees. How else was my daughter not going to spiral into drugs and my son return safely from Afghanistan? By being so afraid that I had to have a "profound reverence & awe....toward GOD." I had to have complete & total faith & trust in Him because there was nothing else I could do for my kids. I could not make Lara's choices for her, and I could not shield Raymond from harm during war. So maybe fear is not something to be afraid of...........
So, how to practically apply God's word? One way is the common sense stuff - the lock your doors & be aware of your surroundings to start with stuff, but there's so much more. Therefore, I'm inviting in a member of the Amarillo Police Dept to give a presentation because sometimes we overlook the most obvious things & obsess over things that aren't going to help us at all.
Please post your comments here and share how you combat fear. Maybe it's through song, or reading, or watching a funny movie! Speaking of.....let me share with you my ultimate fear:
So, being the big-city girl that I am, I can pretty much hold my own against some lunatic that breaks into my house. But those weird bumps in the night sounds? I'm sure it's zombies. Oh, not the brain-eating movie zombies, but biological mutation zombies that want food & medicine & water because everyone is diseased & dying & for some reason, I'm immune & they're coming for me!
Too much information? Right. Well, ok then.
We're all afraid of something & that's my fear, regardless of how odd & far-fetched, unfortunately.......now, where's my bible.........
My Top 10 Do-Not-Be-Afraid verses:
Deuteronomy 1:29-31
Deuteronomy 20:3
Psalm 27:1-3
Psalm 56:3-4
Proverbs 3:24
Jeremiah 1:8
Matthew 8:26
Mark 5:36 (sums it all up)
John 14:27
Hebrews 13:6
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