Moms are plagued by insecurities. Not just single moms, all moms. That's why we compare our children from the moment of conception. "My pregnancy this, my labor that. Johnny walked at 10 months, well Susie talked at 9. My child was accepted to Harvard, well mine is attending Yale AND MIT."
Moms need constant valuation. "How am I doing? Is my kid acceptable? Am I a bad mother?" Oh, we may not admit it to others, or ourselves. But it's there. Nagging us from the deepest recesses of our brain...............
It's so easy to fall into the "I'm inadequate" trap. No matter what your level of self-esteem, you'll never be as good as so-&-so or have it all together like the Joneses. We'll never be those perfect people w/the perfect kids.
But guess what................EVERYONE thinks that.
So-&-so thinks it. The Joneses think it. The perfect people think it.
Now I know you look at me & think, "wow, Lana is awesome. she sure has it all figured out." (that's what you think right?) Well, it's time to let you in on a little secret - NOT! One of the main components of a Small Group is total transparency. I can not lead the group if I'm not willing to place my soul out there for all to see & gleen whatever they need from it.
So, I submit to you, an entry from my journal dated 7/27/97. I was missing my kiddos terribly. They were at their dad's in Fort Worth for a whole month, so I wrote to them in my journal......
"Being a parent is hard work. Especially being a single parent. Not that it's a BAD thing, just difficult. I want so much to raise you as good Christians who will be a benefit to society as adults. And if you are, I'll claim you & take responsibility for being a great mom. If you turn out to be ax-murderers however, well, I'll just blame it on your father of course.
Please don't hold too many bad memories against me. I've tried my best. And I totally & completely LOVE you guys. Parenthood doesn't come w/instructions. All we have is what our parents instilled in us (& in my dysfunctional family, that isn't a whole lot!). Hopefully, each generation gets a little better at it.
Sometimes I think I yelled too much & spanked too little.
Other times I think I spanked too much & talked too little.
Still other times I think I talked too much & didn't listen enough!
A parent's guilt is never-ending.
The worst part about being a single parent is not having anyone to share the responsibility of raising you with. And the best part about being a single parent is not having anyone to share YOU with - there is no camcorder or camera that can capture the feel of your small soft hand in mine, or on my face when you're lying beside me, falling asleep. Or the sound of your voices singing with mine, a song I have taught you. Or when you sing a new song learned in church or school & share it w/me.
You 2 are the best things that ever happend to me - even when I'm yelling at you."
I hope you see my insecurities. I hope you see the desperation.
I hope you see the desperation for my kids' approval - not society's. They're really the ones that matter. The Joneses aren't going to remember you for being a good parent, or a bad one. Your children's point of view is all that matters.
Some of the concerns expressed by the group recently include:
- I yell too much at my child.
- I worry that my child is too angry.
- How much emotion should I express in front of my child without ruining them?
- What about dating!
So, this week I have invited a panel of experts to address some of these concerns. Two former children of single parent homes - 1 of my own included - and a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in child psychology will be on hand to answer any questions and address specific concerns. I hope this blesses all of you with what you need to parent the most important earthly assets God has entrusted to you.
